Pesky Maintenance

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You know those things in life that require more time and effort to maintain than you’d prefer?

For some it’s mowing the lawn. Or cleaning the bathroom. Or flossing your teeth.

For me, it’s nails.

They’re so high maintenance, and as a female there is so much pressure to keep them looking nice.

When it comes to pretty, feminine hands it’s like a game of Keeping Up with the Jones’… Fingernail Edition.

The other day I decided it was time to visit my local nail salon. I hadn’t gone in months and I knew the bottom of my feet were probably scary enough to frighten the devil himself.

As I got ready to head out the door, eager to enjoy an hour of pampering, I remembered the mani/pedi-preparation-checklist.

  • Can your pants be rolled up past your knees? Aw, man. I guess I need to change into yoga pants. Lord knows there’s no getting these skinny jeans above the calves.
  • Are your legs shaved? Shoot! Where’s my razor? I can’t be that customer who makes the poor lady feel up my hairy legs.
  • Are your shoes closed-toe? Will they smudge the paint? Well darn it. It’s 30 degrees outside. But I don’t want my nails messed up…where are my Croc sandals at? Maybe no one will notice them
  • Is any and all facial hair under control, least they try to wax your entire face? Oh boy… 

Thirty minutes later I was on my way.

I settled into the large pedicure chair. Seeing the massage chair remote controller next to me, I pressed “Power” and was jolted forward by the forceful “kneading” that felt like a small person had punched me in the back.

My right foot slipped into the water with a splash.

“Oops. Sorry…”

The nail technician gave me a pitiful smile.

I sat back and tried to relax my shoulders. Suddenly the massage chair switched to “vibration”. My entire upper body was being rapidly shaken from left to right, somehow making my petite frame appear as if I was performing the Double D shimmy.

Wow. That’s awkward. 

I took the massage settings off of “Random” and gave the technician an “okay to proceed” smile.

She chuckled at me and got to work on my feet.

“Your nail so long!”

“Yeah…” I dropped my head in shame. “Feel free to cut them. Like a lot.”

Overhearing our conversation, the customer next to me glanced down at my toes to see for herself.

Hey! I felt like shouting. Stop judging my feet! I’m a very busy woman!

I sunk my left foot deeper into the warm water so those 5 little piggies could hide. There’d be no going to the market today.

I pulled my phone out to look through my list of Christmas to-do’s. Alright, I still need to shop for Dad, Preston, Con-

“You do eyebrow?” My train of thought was interrupted. “Eyebrow – you do eyebrow?”

“Oh, no thanks, I don’t-”

“No, you need eyebrow. It’s cheap! I do it.”

“Oh..well. Okay, I guess.” Sucker!  My inner voice snickered.

I sighed a breath of surrender and attempted to get back to my list. But all of a sudden, I just couldn’t. I had no ability to focus or think. All I could do was sit there, relax, and simply…not think.

I ignored the nosy customer next to me, the impending pain from the eyebrow wax that awaited me, and the clipped toe nails floating in the water next to my foot. I stared off in the distance and let my mind feel empty.

I guess that’s when you know life has gotten a little too crazy…when your awkwardness is no longer a concern and you actually wear Crocs in public.

Ah, well. At least my nails and facial hair are under control for the next two weeks.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Awkward.

 pic from ash's wedding