The Sleep Walker and the Great Abyss


We have sleeping issues here in the Fischer household. Obviously.

I’m convinced our neighbors think we’re crazy. But can you blame them?

When you’re in a townhome, your shared walls share things that they probably… shouldn’t.

Such as shouts of gibberish and obscenities at 3am. If you’ve never read my posts before, I’m not referring to a wild party. I’m referring to my chronic sleep walking husband.

Last weekend we had plans to meet some friends from college in NYC for the day. We set our alarm for an early wake up that would get us to the train station in plenty of time.

In an attempt to be well rested for our long day of walking, we went to bed at a reasonable hour Friday night.

I drifted to sleep as I mentally checked off my preparation to-do list:  Set alarm…cute, comfortable shoes…outfit not too warm, not too cold…phone charger…zzzzzzz.

Next thing I knew, my brain was registering a sound other than my rhythmic breathing and the hum of the ceiling fan.

It always seems to start out like the sound of  TV static  on low volume; at first it sounds like nonsensical noise until you really focus in to make out the words.

“HOLY S#*t! OH MAN! What are we going to do?”

I rolled off my side and blinked my eyes to sharpen my focus.

Big Fisch paced back and forth in front of the windows, peaking through the blinds.

“[BEEP]! Oh no…oh no..” He stopped pacing and leaned forward to glance outside again. “WHAT are we going to do?!?”

I looked at the clock: 1:50AM. “Matt. Matt! Get in bed. You. are. SLEEPING.”

I had little patience and no interest in whatever he may have been trying to look at outside. He stopped, looked at me, and scrambled back into bed. Satisfied with his obedience, I fell back asleep.

That was, until I was jolted and flipped from my side to my back with a sudden movement. My eyes flung open just in time to see “3:05” on the clock as my head turned to face the ceiling. What’s going on?

“Layla! LAYLA! Come on, come on. Quick! The mattress is falling!”

Now he was gripping my arm and trying to pull me closer to him.

“Huh?” I managed in a groggy voice.

“Look!” He pointed with all enthusiasm. “The floor is opening and the mattress is tipping into it. We’re going to fall in the hole!”

He now sat on his knees next to me, leaning over my body, trying to pull me away from the edge of the bed, where we were apparently about to fall into the great abyss.

“MATT. We’re fine! You’re just sleeping.”

“No – no! We’re going to fall in!” He tugged on my arm with more force as he desperately tried to save me. Welp, I guess I should be thankful he’s attempting to save my life and not just bolting.

“Matthew. There’s no hole. The mattress isn’t falling. Go back to sleep.”

“What? Huh? Well, we-…okay. Okay.” He let go of me and reluctantly laid back down. Satisfied again, I drifted back to sleep.

Until, one hour later. This time I was startled awake by “[BEEEEEP]! What the [beep] is that?!”

Big Fisch doesn’t talk this way when awake, so his profanity had my full attention. I sat up and saw him running towards the small security system screen that gives off a faint light. His arms were thrown up in surrender as he stared at the screen as if someone told him he had 10 seconds to solve the mysteries of quantum physics or else the human population would be wiped out.

“What IS it?” He know leaned forward and gripped the screen.

“MATT!” He jumped back. “Get in bed now! You are sleep walking and there is NOTHING there.”

I seemed to startle him more than the glowing screen did, and he scrambled back in bed. The poor kid; he reminds me of a frantic bug desperately fluttering from light to light when he’s in this state.

I let out an annoyed exhale and flipped back on my side.

In too short of an amount of time I was awoken  a FOURTH time to “Oh s&*t!”

I was about to silence this sleep walker once and for all when my eyes saw the clock about the same time I heard him say –

“Babe! It’s 6:50! We were supposed to leave at 7:00 to catch the train!”

This time he wasn’t sleeping. Oh s#%t indeed….

Somewhere in the mess of the night, our alarm was turned off. Was it him? Was it me? We’ll just never know. But thankfully we made it out the door in record time, still made our train, and had a fantastic day in NYC.

So how do we make up for all our lost sleep, you ask?

We fall asleep on the train coming back home and almost miss our stop, which would have left us stranded in a scary part of New Jersey. And Lord knows nobody wants to be left in New Jersey. That’s how.

The end.

matt and heather in NYC 2013



Mr. & Mrs. Crazy