Crumbs in My Kitchen

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Sometimes it’s good to be reminded of how human we are.

How imperfect, weak, and small we really are in the grand scheme of things.

Not in a self-deprecating way, but in the realty check kind of way.

Lately I’ve felt the need to admit to myself: I do not have it all together. And that’s okay.

It’s okay not because I enjoy making mistakes or feel justified in calling the shots in my own life, but because Christ tells me He accepts me as I am and promises to be my strength where I am weak.

To be honest, I just don’t really get that.

Why would Christ take me as I am and not ask I hand Him a more impressive resume before loving me unconditionally? Wouldn’t He want some kind of guarantee that I’d be prove to be a good return for all the time He’d spend on me?

I realize that so often I feel like looking up to Him and saying:

“Hey! Hey Big Guy. I know I’m failing you, okay? I know I should have known better. So if you need to back off from loving me for a little while, I’d understand.”

Isn’t that how we work? A friend disappoints us, and we push back, separating ourselves from them so that they know things aren’t okay. We second guess whether the friendship was really worth it in the first place.

But Christ doesn’t do that.  And I actually find myself wishing that sometimes He would. That way I could run and hide while I go through my struggle, and then once I’ve perfected myself again, I could offer up my best, and be proud as He smiled down at me with that crazy-like love.

The problem with that plan, however, is that I really can’t ever be perfect enough for the righteousness of God. My best effort, is still severely lacking. So if I’m hoping that my good looking life will be enough to earn His love, I’ll be waiting a long, long time.

Heck, I can’t even keep my house looking perfect, much less my heart.

I’m always a little behind on things. I can’t ever stay on top of it all.

My house is always too dusty. There are always too many crumbs in my kitchen.

I’m always a little behind on responding to an email or giving a friend a call.

A week goes by and I didn’t devote the time I wanted to being in God’s word. Or blogging. Or just getting to bed on time.

Things slip through the crack and I feel myself wanting to retreat because I feel insufficient. Not capable.

Not a good enough friend, not a good enough wife, not a hard enough worker. These are the doubts that creep into my mind.

Loving me is a risk. I just don’t have the strength on my own to never fail, and  much less go through a struggle on my own and come out “a better person.”

I so desperately need Christ. And that, my friends, is why He doesn’t leave my side even when I choose myself over Him. He knows that I will still make mistakes. He knows I will stumble.  He knows  my life will never be perfectly put together, on this side of heaven.

Why? Because I am sinful. Wretchedly sinful, living in a fallen and broken world. And I am simply human. Completely incapable of knowing what’s best for me, whether I choose to admit it or not.

But He looks at me in my brokenness  and says

“You are enough, child. Just as you are. Because of the blood I shed for you, your sin is washed away and you are covered in my righteousness. You are made holy, because I am holy. There is nothing you can do to earn my love. I love you even when you don’t love me. You are my child and I see you as blameless, because of what I did on the cross. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).”

So God pursues me and He doesn’t let me hide, because He cares so gosh darn much. And I am reminded that yes, I am just human and I can’t do it all. But when I don’t try to make my world about me; when I allow Him to be God and me His child, His power comes in and shines through my weakness.

And suddenly I feel okay in my skin. At peace with who He’s made me. And able to do the things He’s called me to do, dirty kitchen and all. Because I’m reminded that my life is about a mission.

It’s not about me, although I often want it to be. It’s not about having a cute, happy family, in a cute, trendy home. It’s not about seeking pleasures for myself and hoping for the approval of others.  God didn’t create me so I could just make a happy, comfortable life for myself.

He made me for purpose. And I am reminded of that when I realize how small and human I am; that I’m really not all that. But God? He is so big and so sovereign. And for some reason, He still wants to use me.

I am thankful that He doesn’t let me hide in my weakness. His Spirit never leaves me; rather it is I who often tries to leave Him. To put my mission on pause. But His Spirit beckons me to keep walking. To walk by the Spirit, and not gratify the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16).

His love is crazy. And I still don’t really understand it. But I will take it, because there’s simply nothing else like it.