What They Don’t Tell You When You Purchase an Airplane Ticket

There are many great things about flying.
You can travel all over the world in a day or less. You can sleep through the flight and wake up feeling as if you teleported to your destination. Heck, you can munch on free salted peanuts.
But there are several things they don’t tell you about flying that would be more than helpful to know before you sign up for the ride.
For instance:
  • One should be prepared to be felt up by grumpy men and women in security suits. Not comfortable with strangers padding down your body? Too bad. No one cares.
  • One should also expect to get squished, cramped, and stepped on by large people, clumsy children, and…the occasional German Shepard dog that was allowed to ride along in the cabin of the plane…with all the people. Kiss your personal space temporarily good-bye.

  • Superb balance is a prerequisite to a successful flight lasting more than 1.5 hours. Why, you ask? The average, well hydrated individual needs to relieve themselves every few hours. Men – please hold your balance to make our lives a little bit easier, dryer, and cleaner. Women – all I can say is you better have strong thigh muscles to hold your hover. And by all means, please hover.
  • When one flushes the toilet while in the air, it will sound as if both you and your business will be sucked down the drain, and shot out the bottom of the plane. As long as you stand back, it should be okay.
  • If you hope to actually get some shut eye on the plane, one must be able to sleep while sitting straight up, with about 17 inches of width to rest your tush and elbows in, (that is, if the person sitting next to you doesn’t spill over into yours) and practically no room to stretch out your legs. Unless you have a window seat, perform neck warm-up exercises before boarding to prevent straining a muscle due to sleeping bobble head.
  • And last, but certainly not least, make sure you are not a claustrophobic individual. Be prepared for the stewardess to stop the beverage chart next to your aisle for 15-20 minutes, blocking your only exit and all flow of traffic beyond your point. Don’t even think about going to the bathroom now; your neighbor’s beverage choice of 1/3 Sparkling Water, 1/3 Cranberry Juice, and 1/3 Orange juice – only 3 ice cubes please – is far too important.