Pausing

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Tomorrow starts my third week at my new job. I love feeling energized and optimistic at the thought of going into work, as opposed to dreading another long week. But as refreshing as my full days have been, I’ve found myself missing several things about the schedule I had during the previous 7 months.

I shared in several of my older posts how I struggled in my former job with patience, trusting the Lord to lead and guide me, and the fear of not knowing the right step to take. I wrestled with God for 7 months regarding His will for my life in the midst of my confusion and frustration and had to continually surrender my desires and sense of entitlement. At times it was painful, tiring, and humbling. I failed far too often at trusting God and remaining obedient, yet He answered my prayers with a clear calling to accept a job offer He provided at just the right time. Finally, I felt no confusion as I weighed my options. I knew this was something God was leading me into for an unknown period of time.

Now I wake up and go to work, not worrying whether or not I will have a job next week. Now my days go by quickly and I am given much more responsibility and opportunity to grow. I have enjoyed it and felt deeply thankful for where God has brought me. But in all the joy I find myself missing the stillness I experienced – had to experience – over the past 7 months. I miss waking up and having to throw myself at God’s feet in order to muster strength and patience to get through my work day. I miss the peace that would wash over me as I’d hear God whisper in moments of distress “Be still my child. Trust me. I have not forsaken you.” You see, I’ve been reminded how it is often in our times of struggle and uncertainty that we learn to truly seek the heart of God and His will for our lives. In these moments, when our head is less clouded and our time is not already spoken for, we are more able to come before the Lord and listen as He speaks and fills us with wisdom and truth. In this place of need and want, we are more likely to soak up all that God offers and see with clear eyes the great worth in following the Lord instead of our self. It is when we are hungry, that we yearn to be fed. I miss the opportunity to spend my day in prayer and mental meditation as I work.

In my busyness I do not have the chance to do this as much. However, I can look back and appreciate the time God gave me to grow more in Him and learn to be still and wait upon His timing. And I know that now, more than ever, I need to fight for time spent alone with the Lord. I can see this becoming less of a priority in my life as my days are filled with to-do’s and busy evenings. But I know that the moment I start to think that I do not need God as much as I did before, it will only be a matter of time before my sinful heart leads to self-destruction. I am learning that I need God in all seasons and in all stages. In the highs and in the lows, in the busyness and in the stillness – I need God. I need His wisdom, His guidance, His mercy, His grace. I need all of Him. And now, my struggle may not be having faith in the midst all the waiting and stillness, but my struggle is finding time to be still before the Lord in the midst of busyness. My prayer is to not lose sight of the bigger picture God has for me and to not stop seeking Him with all that I am. Sometimes we need to pause, if just for a moment, to evaluate where we’re at and where we want to go from here. So right now, I’m pausing.

My conclusion? In the stillness and in the busyness, I am desperately in need of God.