The Ugly Seed of Distrust


Hooray for Fridays! The most longed for day of the work week. It’s pay day. And it’s PIZZA pay day at work! Joy abounds.

This week has gone by quickly on one hand, but has felt long on the other. Over the past few days I’ve been doing some processing and thinking and praying…and thankfully my far-too-often deaf ears have been listening to the voice of God. It’s baffling how we often feel as though God is not speaking to us, when in reality we are too stubborn, too set in our ways, or too busy to truly listen.

As my heart began to grow extremely restless this past week, God began to convict me of the thoughts, irrational fears, desire to control, and distrust brewing in my heart. He began to show me how I am quick to say that I trust Him…that whatever He asks of me I will do. Yet my heart and my actions are not walking the walk while I talk. I easily find myself believing the lie that when it comes to faith and living for Christ, lessons we learn once stick for the rest of our lives. For example, sometimes we think that if we can learn to be humble at heart in a given situation, then we will have learned how to be humble for the rest of our lives; that we can check “humbleness” off from our list of spiritual “to do’s”. Or we think that once we have forgiven someone, we will no longer have to actively work at extending forgiveness. Wrong. It’s all lies.

That is not to say that God is not big enough to change us, transform us, and remove the sin in our lives. God has the power to remove the blackest of sin from the blackest of hearts. What I am saying is that we live in a sinful, fallen world and have a sinful nature that continually pulls us towards the self. Towards pride. Towards evil and destruction. Away from all that is good. Away from God. For every triumph over temptation, we face 10 more desires to do wrong. If this were not so, then perfection would be attainable on earth. Do you know anyone who is perfect? I certainly don’t.

The truth is that we continually have to fight, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to die to ourselves and live for Christ. Every day when I wake up, I must pray Lord, today I submit to you. Today I give you my heart…my thoughts…my actions. Help me to live for you and to place you on the thrown of my heart. Give me more of you and less of me.

All of this to say, I realized that I have been riding on the last time God showed me what it really meant to trust Him. I have since forgotten to daily align my heart with Christ, and ask Him to help me put my security and desire in Him alone. As I quit actively fighting for this, my fingers began to wrap their strong little selves around my own definition of stability, security, and happiness. I began to fear a change of pace in how I’ve been living instead of trusting God to provide for my needs and use my talents in the way He sees best. I have been quickly saying to Matt, “Whatever God wants for me, I want. I trust Him.” But the fear in my heart spoke otherwise.

A few days ago, God got a hold of me and showed me this seed of distrust taking root in my heart. I was able to foresee that this seed would only bear destruction and set-backs. Thankfully my God is a God who gladly removes these seeds and throws them to the pit of hell as soon as we ask Him to. I had a choice. And I have a choice each day. Who will I trust? God or self. Who do I want in control? And what do I want my life to be about? Material items and possessions, or love, hope, and Christ?

In the story of a man who lost everything in his life except for God, it says:

“Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless. What they trust in is fragile; what they rely on is a spider’s web. They lean on the web, but it gives way; they cling to it, but it does not hold.” – Job 8:13-15

Psalm 9:10 says “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

Knowing that the Lord is worthy of trust and believing He is, are two different things. I don’t want to just know…I want to believe it with everything in me. I have not perfected trust. I am no where near being the greatest example of trust in God. But I’m fighting for it and learning. I am thankful that yesterday and today I have chosen to trust the Lord. Tomorrow my prayer will be the same.

We all trust in something. What are you trusting in?